The good the bad and the beautiful
Last week things were lookin’ up. I received a paycheck from a weekend’s work that was more than expected, I got a call back from a cafe I’d applied to, interviewed and was hired on the spot. I spent much of my free time drivin’ around town, thrift-store shopping and even feeling free to purchase some new clothes, as well as some specialty coffee drinks (both being totally out of character for me). I felt carefree ‘cause I had some money, and liked because I’d been selected for the job based on personality and outlook, not experience. I was thrilled to begin the job on Monday, as well as school, seein’ they both would bring a new sense of structure, responsibility, and growth.
Sunday came around and I got a call from the cafe manager, they’d decided not to hire me on account of my lack of commitment (I’d asked for 4 dates off already for previous commitments). And when Monday rolled around I didn’t get into any of the 4 classes I’d wanted (i’d had to petition all of ‘em). Not to mention all that money i’d had dwindled down to a single digit number. I came home feeling low, unaccomplished, and completely full of anxiety. The week before it all seemed too good to be true, now I was telling myself…I guess you’re right, life isn’t that easy.
But things still look bright to me, I’m pleased to tell you that green grapes are still delicious, seawater feels best with your hair down and the sun can still make me relaxed as a lizard. I am healthy, I have all my senses and my legs can take me places, I have freedom to do almost anything. My family supports everything I do, they don’t hinder me from my dreams but encourage me and love me. I have friends I care about, they care about me too. I have many ideas, colourful ones and far-away ones, I have a future and a hope. I have the assurance that God won’t abandon me, He’s not like us humans, I can count on Him and find hope in Him.
That last paragraph was the only one worth writing, ‘cause I wanna be the kind of person who leaves others with the the things that shine…like hope, love, generosity, sincerity and such. I’m seeing more and more how negativity is poison. I deeply feel the darkness anxiety brings, I’ve caused others pain through my pride and selfish motives…I’ve even intentionally hurt others emotionally, that just proves the evil of my humanity. But that’s not the way I want to be. Even if I’m in the poorest of conditions, if I lose my health or my friends, I want to continue to praise God because He’s worthy of that. I want to love others before myself because that’s what He wants from me.
